Things I’ve done recently to improve my Wellbeing - #1 Reading

 I really enjoy reading BUT I am also easily distracted by social media or I just get lazy.

I recently wrote about a quirk of mine:

“I have this "quirk" (I'm using the word quirk because I learnt in therapy that if I use words such as silly then I am telling other people the things I do are silly, and I don't think this. It is a quirk I suppose which feels a bit more accepting than "It's a silly thing I do"). Anyway, this quirk I have is that I can get very attached to people. This tends to be on TV programmes I watch or books I read, occasionally films but mostly programmes or books. When I've finished the programme or book I can find it hard to have the loss of that person, it's almost like the grieving process. Sometimes with a book, I then can't pick another one up for a while, until I have really grieved for that character. It's not even that the character has died, it's the fact that a series or the book is finished therefore that person is "no longer in my life".

So sometimes I have to look at why I feel these bonds and attachments with certain people and characters.”

This happened to me in February this year, after reading “The Couple at No 9” by Claire Douglas. I was so attached to the characters that I had to grieve for them. 

It wasn’t until a late night Whatsapp chat with one of my best friends, and her mentioning she was reading, and me saying I hadn’t picked a book up for a while that I picked one up again.

It was nice to also feel a bit like I was being held accountable as I'd said I will let her know the next day how many pages I'd read.

Earlier on in the year I set myself a reading goal on the app GoodReads to read 8 books this year. The same target as last year. 8 books is not a lot, I know, but for me it would be an achievement. I didn’t hit that goal last year having only read 5 books. I’ll either read a book in 4 days or take months because I don’t pick it up enough.

So by August I’d only read 2 books and thought there was no way I’d hit my 8 book goal.

Well, how wrong I was.

I got the bug. I finished the book I’d picked up in 2 days and then moved on to another which took me 4 days, then another which again only took me a small number of days and before I knew it, the notification came up on GoodReads that I’d achieved my challenge! 

I didn’t think I’d feel so proud of myself. 

It helps that, when I work, I can’t sit in silence so I tend to have tv programmes on in the background so can watch them and work at the same time, therefore this free’s my evenings and spare time up so reading can take the place of looking at a screen.

I know the genre that I like and have my favourite authors (if you haven’t read a Claire Douglas book and like Thriller books, you must check her out!)

I also recently took a gamble and tried a different genre and read “It Ends with Us”, again finishing it in 4 days and loving it so much and wanting more that just 3 hours after I finished it popped to Asda to buy the follow up “It Starts With Us”, which in just a day and a half I am 45% through.

It helps using the GoodReads app because you can set it to tell you the percentage of the book you are through once you tell it what page you are up to. 

I guess the “goal” aspect of “I want to get to 50%” “I want to get to 60%” and seeing that number go up also encourages me to read.

I haven’t changed my reading challenge goal, although I have the option to, because I think I’ll then feel the pressure if something comes up and I can’t reach that target. Instead it is pushing me knowing I am going above the challenge I already set myself.

I love getting lost in a book, I love the achievement of finishing one, the time that goes into reading. When watching a tv show you can still get distracted by your phone, by what else is going on around you, but when reading a book if I hear a notification on my phone I let it sit there whilst I finish a chapter or get to a certain amount of pages.

I didn’t think reading would affect my Wellbeing so much. 

I feel addicted to it, to finding even just 5 minutes in my day to read another couple of pages and it’s one thing that is making me take breaks from my laptop when working. Before, I would work through my breaks or sit and have lunch at my desk whilst replying to emails or completing a report. 

Now, I take that time to read. If I’m feeling like I need time away from my laptop I don’t do it to then go and look at another screen, knowing I can still pop over to my laptop to “check if I have 1 new email” or “1 new chat notification”. Instead I stick to the “just one chapter” or “5 pages more then I’ll look” rule. 

I love Claire Douglas books so much that I have a rule that I can read up to 2 books from other authors then have to read one of hers, until of course I run out of her books and then this rule will have to be broken!

My next goal, is to expand the genres I read and to try other things and not just get stuck in a loop of “thriller only”. And to maybe set myself a time I must stop reading at night because it’s far too easy to keep reading until 1am!

"Your coworkers are not your friends"

I saw a couple of videos recently saying “Your coworkers are not your friends”. One in particular says coworker relationships are just of “convenience and circumstance”.

Hard disagree!

I have made some amazing friends not only where I work now but also one from 18 years ago, we’re still in touch and still call each other by the nickname we had when we worked together.
In my current workplace, my friendships are incredible. We all live in different places around the country and we are all in different roles.
We wouldn’t be friends if we didn’t work at Wickes BUT that was the thing that we first had in common, and from that we’ve found other things we’ve got in common. Interests, beliefs, sense of humour, and values.
I adore these people and feel grateful that they are in my life and are not only my coworkers but also “real life” friends. It’s almost like a promotion to go from coworkers to “you are my actual friend”.

Today I received a parcel. I knew it was coming but didn’t know what was in it, or what was on it (printed photos of Makka Pakka and Iggle Piggle from In the Night Garden because despite being 38 I love that programme).
Inside the box was a lovely handwritten note from a coworker promoted to a friend. Some books, and other special gifts that prove how well she knows me, how much she has listened and paid attention to our conversations (one of the items was food we talked about once and I mentioned I went to a few shops and couldn’t find it!) and also, the most special of all, a cross stitch she has been working on for a while just for me. Funnily enough it came at the perfect time because just this week I had been looking at something I can buy myself (she didn’t know I’d been doing this) to take the mickey out of how much I LOVE spreadsheets.
How beautiful is her heart for putting her time into making something so special for me?

I love my job, I love the company I work for, and I love the fact that it has given me these wonderful friendships.

Just Eat Bread

When the word addiction is mentioned I think thoughts immediately go to drugs, then alcohol, nicotine, gambling, caffeine or sugar. 

I’ve always had an issue with food. It was only this year I was able to recognise, with the help of my boyfriend, that I have a food addiction. 

For years I’ve used food as both comfort and also as a form of harm. 

If I’m feeling stressed, overwhelmed, sad, angry, I will find comfort in food. In fact, most situations I will find an excuse to need more food than I should.

Not only is it a food addiction but also an eating disorder. I binge and overeat. And a lot of the time will eat in secret. 

Although I spoke to my doctor a few years ago about how I view food nothing was really suggested or picked up on really. 

In 2015 I went on a health kick. I would exercise and count calories alongside the 5:2 diet and I lost a lot of weight. I felt good. My relationship with food was a lot better. 

Around 2 years later I fell back into bad habits. My mental health was not in a great place, I had a couple of traumatic events, I had a lot of solo mum guilt, I became lazy and would finish work and rather than go home and cook dinner for myself (my children were at their dads) I would get a Chinese takeaway, basically enough for 2 people and rather than throw away what I didn’t want or save it for the next day I would eat the lot. Because if not it was a “waste of food” or “waste of money”. 

I would then do the same the next night.

I was soon out of control. Food had control over me. But I didn’t realise it at the time.

January 2021 my boyfriend said he wanted to make changes and be healthier. I, at that time, was happy with how I was. I’d met someone amazing, who met me when I was not quite at my biggest and unhealthiest but wasn’t at the best place. He said we could do it together but I wasn’t really interested. 

However, I decided to try anyway and within no time could see a difference in my weight, in my health, in my mindset. I was starting to enjoy my reflection. I enjoyed counting calories, doing the 5:2 diet. I was in a good routine. I had regained control. 

I’d managed to lose over 3 stone by June. I’d gone down 3/4 dress sizes. I felt confident. I felt pretty.

I managed to keep that up for a while. I was so proud of myself. 

But in 2022 and the beginning of 2023 my mental health took a hit. And without realising, food managed to take control again. I didn’t recognise it for a long time. Instead feeling ashamed I had put weight on and blocking out what I was doing. I couldn’t accept or see that I had a real problem.

It wasn’t until I one day confided in my boyfriend that food has real control over me. It’s shameful and embarrassing because if you overeat you’re “greedy” or “a pig”. 

I had to be brave and be vulnerable and admit that sometimes, I don’t even know how much I’ve eaten. I don’t know what I’ve eaten. I’ll eat and be in autopilot and it’s not until afterwards that I “wake up” and realise I’ve just eaten a lot of food and wasn’t even hungry. 

My boyfriend listened to me and was comforting. He said it was similar to drug addiction and alcohol addiction. He suggested OA (over eaters anonymous). 

I tried but realised, I wasn’t in the right mindset. I needed to be ready. To accept I needed to take control and I couldn’t do that.

Food addiction isn’t easy because we NEED food. It can’t be completely cut out. 

Even though I have a food addiction and binge/overeating disorder, I HATE eating in front of people. A lot of work get togethers I will sit and have my tummy rumbling rather than eating in front of people. Both feel as embarrassing as the other.

I started calorie counting and the 5:2 diet again 4 weeks ago. I’ve already lost 8lb. I feel better already. I have the incentive of wanting to look and feel better for a holiday abroad in September. 

But it’s hard. It’s a real battle. 

I use a calorie counting app and have a dedicated Instagram account to post my meals to hold myself accountable, but battle all the time with the voice in my head that says “Just eat the bread. No one will know”. 

When on this diet, I call it a diet but really it’s a healthy lifestyle, I have to cut out bread. Not only does it make me feel bloated but it is my vice. I can’t just have one slice, or two, I want more. 

So although I can’t completely cut out food and take full control. I can control some of it and allow myself lots of potatoes, but no bread. 

I have to fight the constant urge to have a Chinese takeaway which my head will find any excuse to have. “Bad day: have a Chinese” “Feel stressed: have a Chinese” “Feel tired: have a Chinese”. “Feel happy: have a Chinese”.

I can have fun with food, enjoy making low calorie meals with a variety of different vegetables. 

I will prepare my lunch or dinner early because sometimes that helps the craving of “EAT!! EAT!!”. 

In fact, my low calorie days are the ones I prefer. 

But everyday is a battle. I have to make sure I have more control over food than it has over me. I have plan my meals, I have to prepare myself for the food I’m going to have that day because if the meal changes my head goes into meltdown. I can’t cope.

I have to think about food but also try to not think about food.

And give in to the temptation to just eat bread.

17 Days Straight

I worked 17 days straight. I can’t tell you how many hours I worked in those 17 days, I wasn’t doing standard work hours. I didn’t count the hours.

I worked 2 of my weekends off and through two lieu days. 

I’ve worked really hard on my work/life balance. It used to be awful. Constantly checking emails out of work time to “make it easier when I return to work on Monday or the next day so I wouldn’t have as much to come back to”.

But I broke my “no emails or work stuff” on my phone rule.

Once my laptop is shut it’s shut, I don’t open it, even to pop on to do any personal things because I know I’m tempted to look at my emails, to check a spreadsheet or get ahead with things for the next day.

But I kept my laptop open.

“Are you STILL working?” 

“Why are you working, please stop”.

Comments from my two boys until I explained to them why. 

Why did I work 17 days and all those hours? 

Was it expected of me? No.

Did anyone ask me to? No.

Is there a huge list of reasons why? Not really no.

There’s one reason really and one reason only.

Through choice.

There was an underlying reason of course but I didn’t HAVE to work all those hours. I chose to do it.

I chose to do that for the company, for the colleagues and for myself.

If I didn’t have my emails and work platforms on my phone it would have affected my mental health. Would I have enjoyed my weekends? No. Would I have enjoyed my lieu days? No. 

I would have constantly been thinking about work. So for my own mental health it was better to have them on there, the opposite to how I usually feel.

I still managed to sit in a pub beer garden, drinking a lager and lime, watching the band my high school Media Studies and English teacher plays in, enjoy the company of my understanding boyfriend, whilst also being present for work too. 

I still managed to have a day out at Jimmys Farm with my two children, watching the Capybaras swimming in their pond, making friends with a goat, enjoying the quality time with my children but also being present for work too.

I attended a course through work in 2019, something we called Winning Behaviours and one of the main things I took away from that course is that we have a choice. Anything we do we have a choice. 

And I reminded my managers of this when they told me they didn’t expect me to work more, when my children asked me if I was STILL working, when I explained to my boyfriend that I would have my emails on my phone for the evenings and weekends. 

Someone once said to me that if I was a stick of rock and you broke me open the company’s name would be written inside me. This was said when I hadn’t even been with the company for long but now really is a true statement.

I am so passionate when it comes to work, that I had to reign it in a bit and put “life” first but it will always be in me to drop things and make work a priority if I need to. Or if I want to.

By the end of the 17 days I could have carried on, but I knew that at some point I would be at risk of burnout. So Friday at 6pm I turned my emails off my phone and have had a work free weekend. 

Well, other than buying a 2024-2025 diary and already writing down my daily tasks. Asking my boyfriend if it counts as work…he said it did but I carried on.

I’ve received praise for the work I’ve done, which actually made me feel really uncomfortable. I’m good at praising others and praising myself but no so good at taking it from others. 

I didn’t even need the praise or recognition. I know I did a good job and went above and beyond but, as it was a choice and not something expected of me, I think this is why I feel so uncomfortable. I did it for me, the colleagues and the business and not for “LOOK AT WHAT I’VE DONE. LOOK HOW GOOD I AM”.

Then why write about it? If I’m not doing it for recognition? 

I suppose to show that we do things through choice and that it’s a big thing for anyone to be able to reflect on what they do. 

“Why am I working late?” Because you are choosing to.

“Why am I looking at email on my phone outside of work hours?” Because you are choosing to. 

Work life balance for me is a choice. Those 17 days were a choice for me to have more of the balance tipping towards work and I’m completely ok with that. I was able to look after myself better for doing that, I was still able to be present for those around me, maybe not 100% but I was able to explain so they understood. And I have time to make that up to them and to have days when life will tip the balance more. 

I chose to break my own rules and I’m happy with that choice.

Attachment, Authenticity and Jordan Pickford

I’ve never really been into football before. Usually preferring motorbike racing than football. It’s still my preferred sport however since meeting my boyfriend in 2020 I have found myself to now be a fan of football. Something I didn’t think I’d ever say. Until recently if you asked me to name football players I would still be naming Teddy Sheringham, Ryan Giggs, Paul Gascoigne and Eric Cantona.
I’ve been to 3 Norwich City matches, and in 2022 got to see the Netherlands vs Belgium during a trip to Amsterdam. 

I thought my enjoyment of watching football, especially Man City who are my boyfriends team and due to him introducing me to them are now the team I follow, would just be when I am with him. However, I shocked myself when I realised I put football on in my own house when I wasn't with my boyfriend. I enjoyed it and watched the whole match.

I'd say the Euros in 2021 was a time when I really got the football bug, up until then I was in the "it's just a load of men kicking a ball of air around" camp. When I went to my first Norwich City match I really appreciated the skill involved. When anyone says men can't multitask I'd suggest they watch a football match. I'm amazed at how they manage to run into position, be aware of who is or isn't around them, get the ball and already know who they are passing to and how to do that! (It won't ever match up to the skill of a TT racer going round the roads at a ridiculous speed).

The Euros in 2021 was where Jordan Pickford caught my attention. I find it hard saying that as a female because there always seems to be an instant reaction of girls saying they like a player and "Oh because you fancy him?". I'm not like that. I'm not usually great at remembering players names but will quite often recognise their faces and say to my boyfriend "I know him". I, of course, don't, I just recognise them but it's one of my quirks and I'm sticking to it.
I love determination, passion, skill and personality. All these things are what I can see clearly in Pickford.

I was looking forward to the Euro's this year mainly for the chance to watch Pickford again. And well, he didn't disappoint did he?! I would love for there to be a small box in the corner of the screen anytime England play with a camera just fixed on Pickford.

Because I can't just accept that I like the way he plays football, the determination, passion, skill and personality I have looked further into it, to try and understand why I enjoy watching him so much. 

I have this "quirk" (I'm using the word quirk because I learnt in therapy that if I use words such as silly then I am telling other people the things I do are silly, and I don't think this. It is a quirk I suppose which feels a bit more accepting than "It's a silly thing I do"). Anyway, this quirk I have is that I can get very attached to people. This tends to be on TV programmes I watch or books I read, occasionally films but mostly programmes or books. When I've finished the programme or book I can find it hard to have the loss of that person, it's almost like the grieving process. Sometimes with a book, I then can't pick another one up for a while, until I have really grieved for that character. It's not even that the character has died, it's the fact that a series or the book is finished therefore that person is "no longer in my life".

So sometimes I have to look at why I feel these bonds and attachments with certain people and characters.

With Jordan Pickford I realised quite quickly what it was about him, other than what I've already mentioned, that created that "attachment".

It was his authenticity. 

I see real similarities between us, the passionate side of what you are doing, the frustrations you can face with a team or with a process not going as you want it to, but also, celebrating yourself! 

I am my own biggest cheerleader. I big myself up and I have no issue with that anymore. I used to think it was a bit strange and that maybe it would make other people feel uncomfortable but we should be able to praise ourselves, our achievements, our good work. It's one of the things I will no longer apologise for.

However, Pickford will celebrate himself and also look to the crowd of supporters almost for validation. "I did well right?" "Did you see that?". And I feel like I have that element too sometimes. 

I know I've done a good job, I don't always need others to see that or to tell me, or to understand what I've done, but it's nice to sometimes get a well done or appreciation.

After the last England match in the Euro's I felt sad, not only because we didn't win but also at the loss of no longer being able to watch Pickford (I know, I could watch Everton). That loss is filled a bit with being able to watch Erling Haaland at least.