When the word addiction is mentioned I think thoughts immediately go to drugs, then alcohol, nicotine, gambling, caffeine or sugar.
I’ve always had an issue with food. It was only this year I was able to recognise, with the help of my boyfriend, that I have a food addiction.
For years I’ve used food as both comfort and also as a form of harm.
If I’m feeling stressed, overwhelmed, sad, angry, I will find comfort in food. In fact, most situations I will find an excuse to need more food than I should.
Not only is it a food addiction but also an eating disorder. I binge and overeat. And a lot of the time will eat in secret.
Although I spoke to my doctor a few years ago about how I view food nothing was really suggested or picked up on really.
In 2015 I went on a health kick. I would exercise and count calories alongside the 5:2 diet and I lost a lot of weight. I felt good. My relationship with food was a lot better.
Around 2 years later I fell back into bad habits. My mental health was not in a great place, I had a couple of traumatic events, I had a lot of solo mum guilt, I became lazy and would finish work and rather than go home and cook dinner for myself (my children were at their dads) I would get a Chinese takeaway, basically enough for 2 people and rather than throw away what I didn’t want or save it for the next day I would eat the lot. Because if not it was a “waste of food” or “waste of money”.
I would then do the same the next night.
I was soon out of control. Food had control over me. But I didn’t realise it at the time.
January 2021 my boyfriend said he wanted to make changes and be healthier. I, at that time, was happy with how I was. I’d met someone amazing, who met me when I was not quite at my biggest and unhealthiest but wasn’t at the best place. He said we could do it together but I wasn’t really interested.
However, I decided to try anyway and within no time could see a difference in my weight, in my health, in my mindset. I was starting to enjoy my reflection. I enjoyed counting calories, doing the 5:2 diet. I was in a good routine. I had regained control.
I’d managed to lose over 3 stone by June. I’d gone down 3/4 dress sizes. I felt confident. I felt pretty.
I managed to keep that up for a while. I was so proud of myself.
But in 2022 and the beginning of 2023 my mental health took a hit. And without realising, food managed to take control again. I didn’t recognise it for a long time. Instead feeling ashamed I had put weight on and blocking out what I was doing. I couldn’t accept or see that I had a real problem.
It wasn’t until I one day confided in my boyfriend that food has real control over me. It’s shameful and embarrassing because if you overeat you’re “greedy” or “a pig”.
I had to be brave and be vulnerable and admit that sometimes, I don’t even know how much I’ve eaten. I don’t know what I’ve eaten. I’ll eat and be in autopilot and it’s not until afterwards that I “wake up” and realise I’ve just eaten a lot of food and wasn’t even hungry.
My boyfriend listened to me and was comforting. He said it was similar to drug addiction and alcohol addiction. He suggested OA (over eaters anonymous).
I tried but realised, I wasn’t in the right mindset. I needed to be ready. To accept I needed to take control and I couldn’t do that.
Food addiction isn’t easy because we NEED food. It can’t be completely cut out.
Even though I have a food addiction and binge/overeating disorder, I HATE eating in front of people. A lot of work get togethers I will sit and have my tummy rumbling rather than eating in front of people. Both feel as embarrassing as the other.
I started calorie counting and the 5:2 diet again 4 weeks ago. I’ve already lost 8lb. I feel better already. I have the incentive of wanting to look and feel better for a holiday abroad in September.
But it’s hard. It’s a real battle.
I use a calorie counting app and have a dedicated Instagram account to post my meals to hold myself accountable, but battle all the time with the voice in my head that says “Just eat the bread. No one will know”.
When on this diet, I call it a diet but really it’s a healthy lifestyle, I have to cut out bread. Not only does it make me feel bloated but it is my vice. I can’t just have one slice, or two, I want more.
So although I can’t completely cut out food and take full control. I can control some of it and allow myself lots of potatoes, but no bread.
I have to fight the constant urge to have a Chinese takeaway which my head will find any excuse to have. “Bad day: have a Chinese” “Feel stressed: have a Chinese” “Feel tired: have a Chinese”. “Feel happy: have a Chinese”.
I can have fun with food, enjoy making low calorie meals with a variety of different vegetables.
I will prepare my lunch or dinner early because sometimes that helps the craving of “EAT!! EAT!!”.
In fact, my low calorie days are the ones I prefer.
But everyday is a battle. I have to make sure I have more control over food than it has over me. I have plan my meals, I have to prepare myself for the food I’m going to have that day because if the meal changes my head goes into meltdown. I can’t cope.
I have to think about food but also try to not think about food.
And give in to the temptation to just eat bread.
