What you see vs What you don’t see

What you see:

  • A woman with long dark hair
  • A Wickes blue tshirt
  • Black jeans
  • Gladiator sandals (I have trust in the weather to not rain today!)
  • Tattoos
  • A slight smile

What you don’t see:

  • That I am completely riddled with anxiety today
  • The inner monologue repeating toxicity and hate towards me
  • The battle of trying to lesson the anxiety and inner monologue 
  • The battle of wanting to hide or run away
  • The desperation of trying to find the positive affirmations to be able love or even like myself a little bit
  • The desperation of wanting to show up today being the me that doesn’t exist with anxiety, depression and self hate.

I get told a lot that people are surprised that I have anxiety because I hide it quite well. I’ve made, and am making, real efforts to push myself out of my comfort zone to not let anxiety, depression etc rule my life. To not miss out on amazing opportunities because of this other side of me. Knowing I need to take control of it, rather than letting it take control of me.

But the reality is that some days are just really hard. For no apparent reason.

When I wake up like this I do my best to analyse the reason, to breakdown what is going on in my life that may be causing overwhelm, so I can then focus on what I need to do to “fix it”. 

But some days, there is no reason. I can break everything down and there is no trigger. No one element of life that causes me to feel like this. And today is one of those days.

A day when I don’t want to show up, where my head doesn’t want me to show up, it wants me to fail, to break, to not enjoy amazing opportunities. To let it win.

My battle today will be exhausting. But when I’m home. I will know that I didn’t shy away. I faced the battle.

Pub Fridays

I  picked my two boys up from school, we popped to a shop then drove a different route home.   “Pub?” I didn’t really expect a reaction from...