For various reasons and it got to the point where it has affected my mental health. My anti-depressants are getting me through everyday but there is still that feeling of "I'm not very well at the moment".
I don't particularly want to socialise with people, other than my children and my cats. I don't particularly want to leave the house, let alone my bed.
I'm running with those feelings and actually, if that's my bodies way of telling me that this is what I need to do right now then I trust it. I don't want to put myself in a situation that I can't cope with, could potentially make me feel worse or cause a panic attack.
For the first time in a while this month I have been able to recognise that dating, right now, isn't for me.
For so long, over the last 4 years really, I've always felt like I NEEDED a man. A boyfriend.
I'm not going to lie, do I feel jealous when I see people with their partners? Of course i do! Would I like to have someone special in my life? Of course I would.
But right now, I'm not in the right place to focus on putting myself out there to find someone, or to focus on someone who is right for me.
What I've realised is that it's not a relationship that is missing from my life. But solid friendships.
I've always been the type to get on with men more than women. But when you are single, and female, you can't be friends with men (so it seems!!) unless it is a secret friendship.
I have two "secret friendships" and as nice as they are, I can talk to those men (well message them) about anything and they are supportive and give great advice, it hurts a bit that the friendships are secret.
Just because a woman is single, it doesn't mean she wants EVERY man, or YOUR man.
I want a friendship, with a man, where someone can come round and watch a film, or go to the cinema with me, go for a day out on the weekend, go play pool, go watch motorbikes or any kind of racing at Snetterton with me and to just hang out as friends. As best friends. With no hidden agendas and no potential awkward moments of "I thought it was more than that".
If I try to trick my brain into thinking about dating, try to tempt it into downloading Tinder "just to see who's about" I am shut down straight away.
And I know that's a clear sign that right now, it's not for me.
My focus needs to be on my children and they've said themselves that this year has been on of their best years with me as a parent, and I think that's because I have tried my best to create memories with them and to really be a tight team with them. That's not to say I haven't done that before and that I haven't been a good parent before this, because I have, but I've made a conscious effort to be there more and to do more and with more plans for this year in place my focus is still on them.
My career is something that has taken up a lot of my head space the past 5 months. With a secondment to head office I thought I knew what I wanted but with that coming to an end and deciding to not fight for a place at head office and instead choosing to go back to store, I think next year I will have a real think about what I want.
I love my job and the company I work in. I loved my job before my secondment and the job during my secondment, so it will now be a case of seeing if I really get job satisfaction or if I need more.
I want to focus on my blog more and stepping back from the role at head office will give me that time to put some more effort into writing again.
It also gives me more time to focus on my faith as it's definitely something I want to e explore more and with a head that is full and busy of so much more it's hard to get rid of that and to be clear enough to tune in spiritually sometime. And I really feel like that is missing from my life at the moment.
I'm proud of myself though.
I'm proud that instead of letting my mental health spiral downwards I am working with it to allow it to do what it needs to do, but also to gain some control to see what I can do to make things better.
I've always said I'm not ashamed of my depression and anxiety. It's nothing I have caused and it is part of me and has been for 20 years now.
It is part of me and I accepted that a long time ago. But this year, it feels like the first year I have been able to really deal with it and recognise what it needs to do. What I need to allow it to go through, and how I need to allow it to cope. But I've also been able to recognise that I have some element of control in terms of what else I can focus on to not make things worse and to not feed it.
And for that I am proud.
Really, really proud.
