"How are you?"
I've always been a bit too honest and too open about my life and "oversharing". Which I'm ok with. That's who I am and I can't and won't change that.
But as a result, I really struggle to answer "How are you?" when I'm not ok.
We ask people that, "how are you", as a standard form of opening conversation and I'm sure that more often than not, we don't want to hear "I'm not doing so well at the moment" because it opens up a different conversation and a different situation to what you were potentially going in to.
There are people who you might trust and feel comfortable enough with to want to say "I'm not ok" for them to actually think "I really don't care" or "please don't make this my responsibility". Because that's what I feel like I am doing.
As soon as I say "I'm not ok" I am passing some of the responsibility of "what can we do to make you ok?" onto people who actually don't need that in their life.
I was asked twice yesterday "How are you?" on text message and both times I managed to avoid it.
The first time by not mentioning it in my reply and the second time, by simply not replying.
But today I have to face that person and I know that I can't tell him "I'm great thank you, how are you?"
Because I'm not.
Since Sunday evening my eyes have filled without warning. My faith and confidence in everyone around me...my friendships and colleagues has been questioned constantly.
"What do they really think of me?"
When, in a matter of 5 months 3 people, (all unconnected to each other) who you have trusted, who have mattered to you in big ways have let you down so much and have shown their true colours, have shown what they really think of you, then you can't help but to wonder about everyone else.
I won't change for anyone. I've built the person I am and have discovered myself and who I really am the last 4 years and it is not an option to close away certain aspects of me, my behaviour, my actions and my thoughts for others.
If I'm not for you, then don't have me in your life. Let's not fake it.
Let's not have a friendship or relationship that is so good, where I feel like this person is ok with everything about me...when in the background, in your thoughts or conversations, you think the most terrible things about me.
Why have someone in your life when you think those things about them?
I do let people in too easily. I trust easily. I open up quickly.
Maybe it's one of my flaws.
But is it something I am going to change?
Absolutely not.
If my punishment for being confident, caring, open, trusting and a nice person is that people take advantage of me then so be it.
I'm not changing who I am because others can't handle it or haven't got them ability themselves to match up with it or to cope.
"How are you?"
I'm not ok.
And you can tell me in your standard response that the things those people, and others, have made me feel are not valid and are not true but I won't believe you.
Everything I wear, every word I say, every action, every response from me, I will assume is being judged because it has been by those three people who I trusted.
If you can't handle who I am, don't like it, don't like aspects of it.
Then leave.
That should be everyone's rule.
I would rather be alone, knowing I am exactly who I am, than to change myself for people who don't matter and who don't deserve me.
