I'm sure we all have those moments when we think we are not really cut out for this role, closely followed by the realisation that there is NOTHING we can do about it now, it is far too late and we have to "man up" and take charge.
Children have a lot more power than I thought, at least mine do anyway. It might just be the emotional side to it. Maybe I'm too soft, or trying to be too much of a friend. Or maybe I'm just not good at it.
Before having children I had this airy fairy view of it. Everything would be perfect, they would be well behaved when shopping and eating out. They would have masses of respect for me, and would always do as they are told.
Sometimes it feels the complete opposite.
During bad moments I tend to think "that's it, I'm a bad mum. Why did I think I could do this? I clearly can't". I question everything I do and everything I've ever done.
I wonder if I made the wrong choices right at the beginning, from day one.
I question whether or not I should we should have had two children. Maybe I was only cut out to have one?
I remind myself constantly that there is no turning back, I can't change anything I have done. I can't go back and choose a different parenting style, I can't go back and make different choices.
I can't not have my children.
I need to learn and grow and change as we go along. I need to learn what works in terms of discipline, and what works in terms of rewards.
I need to learn how to communicate the best with my children. Sometimes, I can't help but to shout, I have exhausted all other ways of being nice and being calm. But maybe I am missing something, and the real thing is to not say "What am I doing wrong?" but to say "How can I do this right? How can I improve myself, my thinking, my actions and my behaviour to get the best out of these horrible situations?"
As with a marriage parenting is hard and need to be worked at. It's not always going to be perfect, and sometimes it would feel like the easiest thing to just walk away. To just hold your hands up and say "Hey! I'm done!". But you can't do that.
You have to instead learn, grow and move on from any moments that really tested you. You need to come out of it strong, and although learning from it, also forgetting how horrid it was and then remembering those moments that make you SO happy, and even making those happy moments as soon as you can, to block out the negative feelings and experience you just went through.
Parenting is not smooth sailing, but we can't give up. When our children are grown up, and we are grandparents we need to look back and say "My goodness, I did a good job". We won't be looking back on those bad times, instead relaying stories of embarrassment and joy to our sons future girlfriends, our future daughter-in-laws, and our grandchildren.
Maybe these hard moments and hard times are here to show me that I am a good mum, and that maybe sometimes I just need to reinforce my role in our house. Remind the children of my expectations of them and of "their place" within our family.
Parenting is hard, and life is hard.
Does anyone have an easy life? We all go through hard times, dark times, some worse than others but still, life is hard. And these things make us stronger, give us experience.
They show us what we are capable of.
Which just happens to be, an awful lot.
